What to expect when divorcing

Not every divorce is the same. No two divorces will have the same elements or have the same outcome. However, there are some fundamentals that all divorces and divorcees experience. “Knowing what to expect when you are separating and divorcing offers a sense of preparation and a forewarning of what is about to happen,” shares Rachael Scharrer, divorce/relationship expert and separation strategist.

Rachael Scharrer elaborates and offers 10 items that you can expect when divorcing:

1. You will find your divorce overwhelming, emotionally draining and all-consuming. It can be the only thing that you talk about for a while. Try to create a short story about what happened in your relationship to lead to the demise – not a lengthy essay, something short that will satisfy their curiosity – and then talk about something fun, positive or your friend.
2. Your friends will change. Some friends may become more distant and others will become closer to you. Create a small group of quality people for your divorce support network and create a little distance from those that are inflammatory, unsupportive or not good listeners.
3. Your financial situation will change. Having a firm understanding of your income, the cost of living and learning to live within your means is important. Creating a budget is a great way to see your financials, create your financial independence and have a fresh start
4. It’s a great opportunity for you to create and get to know the new, single you! When others no longer refer to you as someone’s spouse or you can no longer refer to this yourself, some people can feel a sense of identity loss. To combat this, separation is a wonderful time to shake up your wardrobe, get a new hairstyle, try a new hobby or to do something wild like jumping out of a plane! These things can help raise your self-confidence and assist you to re-connect with the real, new you
5. Everything will work out in the end. Even though it may not feel like it as you move through your divorce journey, everything has a funny way of sorting itself out. Whether you choose to walk away from a settlement ‘fight’ or feel like you are compromising too much, no matter what happens, you will be alright. You will find a way to stand on your own two feet, be free of your divorce and enjoy life again
6. You can find peace by accepting the past and accepting who your ex-spouse is today. Reliving the past and dissecting it over and over again doesn’t serve any benefit to you. Instead, if you are able to find acceptance and forgiveness, you will stop wasting energy on what ‘could have’ or ‘should have’ been because now it ‘just is’
7. Kids will learn what is going on in their own time. As a parent, you don’t need to taint the other parent in the eyes of your child. If a parent isn’t doing the right thing or using their child as a pawn in divorce, your child will work it out without you having to force them to see what is going on. By talking poorly of the other parent to your child, it can work against you and turn your child away from you. Remember, your child is half you and half their other parent.
8. A child’s questions about your divorce and situation will continue to grow and change as they get older. As a child gets older, their development of critical thinking improves and the questions about your separation will become more complex. It may start with “where is my other parent?” and one day turn into “why did you make decision X?” Throughout your divorce process, remaining child-focused in all of your decisions will keep you on the right track.
9. A quick divorce is a good divorce. The longer that your divorce and the final settlements or agreements take, the more money you will spend, the more stress you are likely to encounter and the more draining the process can be. By reaching a prompt settlement or agreement, you and your ex-spouse will be able to be independent and ‘free’ from each other.
10. There are no ‘winners’ in divorce. No matter what settlement you get in your divorce, you may feel that you either deserved more or shouldn’t have had to give so much. Finding a win:win in divorce is nearly difficult. A judge once told me as we were approaching divorce hearing “if you don’t like each other now, you will really dislike each other later.”

Having an idea of the goal posts that you can work within while separating helps you to have a realistic expectation throughout the process. It also helps to minimise any shock or surprise when you encounter any of the above points.

If you feel that you would benefit from further assistance throughout your separation journey, book in for a Strategy Session today!