Rachael Scharrer founder of online resource, DivorceAnswered.com.au, shares her open letter to her ex-spouse at the end of their divorce process.
The judge said ‘if you don’t hate each other now, when we go to hearing you certainly will.’ You may be pleased to know that I don’t hate you. I actually feel sorry for you. It has taken a really long time and a lot of effort for me to get into this space.
I have the two best parts of you living with me every day. They are the joy in my life and the reason I am working so hard to create a better life. They are two little delights and I can only thank you for giving them to me.
While I got what I wanted in our consent orders, I am saddened that you ran your own race, ran up huge legal bills for both of us and couldn’t see the reality of the situation. I wish that you listened to the advice of your lawyers, took the recommendations of the family report writer and had the strength to recognise and address your short comings (in the marriage, as a parent and as a person). I feel like if you had followed the recommendations of therapy or took rehab more seriously, gave yourself a serious reality check, then the outcome could have been incredibly different.
Any inch I gave you, you turned against me. You used anything that you could to try to get the upper hand or the power. There was no power to gain. There was nothing for me to be afraid of and I had everything to live for.
Your constant abuse, threats and intimidation towards me was unrelenting and that drove me away. I didn’t want to, nor was I able to, co-parent with you, let alone communicate with you. It broke my heart that when you finally realised that you couldn’t break me or drive a wedge between my family and I, that you turned your narcissistic behaviours to the children and hurt them in the process. You don’t realise that what you have done to the children has been irreparable damage. It breaks my heart that the children don’t have the parent that they deserve in you. I cry at their lack of interest in you and how they have become numb to your constant disappointment.
Blaming others for unfavourable outcomes and retaliating against everyone who is trying to help you is getting you nowhere fast. Now that court is over, you can’t blame me for your problems. At some point, I am sure that day will come, when you are no longer able to blame anyone else apart from yourself. I worry that your day of reckoning will come too late and you will be a very old, lonely and miserable person.
You, and only you, are in charge of your choices and behaviours. The decisions you have made has lead you exactly where you are. You don’t have a legacy for your children – nothing for them to be proud of. But there is still time – time for you to make that lasting change, to turn the corner, see the light and become the person you want to be and that your children can be proud of. No one is forcing you to change, but when you want to change your life for the better, I hope that your loved ones will be there to support you.